


we are lovers of heavy weather

by littlelooneyluna



Series: when your demons become mine too [2]
Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Slow Burn Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 14:09:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12889554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: the good thing about being utterly alone, is that no one can tell you when you've become dependent on alcohol. that is, until you wake up in hospital and find a stranger leaning over you who changes your life completely and makes you feel like life can be worth living again.





	we are lovers of heavy weather

**Author's Note:**

> this is the middle of the series which is basically the main bulk of it. if you have not read the first fic, you don't have to because it occurs after this one. anyway, approach this very heavy fic with caution!

Robert feels his eyes flicker open and a light shining down on him, for a second, just one, he thinks he's even Heaven or something and he has this need to call out his mother's name like he's a child.

The light doesn't give in, bright and illuminating and Robert chooses to shut his eyes before bracing himself to open them again. When he does, there's a man leaning over him and it makes his heart _jump_.

He's got a grey jumper on, too long at the sleeves so he's gathered it up in his hands. He's younger, it's almost obvious by the way his eyes look and Robert can't describe what exactly he means.

Just knows that he isn't a doctor and Robert's not that important of a low life to have to talk to a journalist so -

"Sorry." It's the first thing the bloke says and Robert doesn't even look at him. He's thinking about the state he's in, how fucked up this all is, how powerless he was to them taking his things and doing one.

He remembers them kicking at his ribs, leaving his face alone for some reason.

It makes Robert wince and then the bloke is still in the room when he looks towards him.

"You don't seem that much older than me." The man says, bites his lip. "I saw you get wheeled in and - they said something about you drinking and -" he's babbling, and Robert doesn't know what he wants.

He thinks about money for a second and wants to laugh because he's the skintest you can be.

"You usually just plonk yourself in loser's rooms and wait for them to wake up?" He snaps.

The bloke's eyes widen and Robert feels awful suddenly, doesn't take it back though. He just waits it out, has his eyes on his blue ones and watches him try and say something.

He distracts himself with the way he looks and he doesn't know why he feels like his heart is beating out of his chest. He tells himself to stop it and yeah he can still control that in his life.

The boy backs away suddenly, clears his throat and Robert instantly frowns. He hasn't spoke to someone like this for months. He's been alone in that horrible flat of his, getting as wasted as possible because he's scum.

He suddenly doesn't want him to go. He really doesn't because he doesn't have anyone else does he?

"A friend of mine from my village runs a few sessions in the local hall." He's awkward suddenly, scratches at his eyebrow. "Her name's Laurel. She was a -"

"I'm not an alcoholic." Robert blurts out, knows deep down he is lying to himself but - but how dare this man come in and tell him he is? "I'm just bored, I'm just -" because he doesn't have a job, he doesn't have someone to go home to, his family are fucking ridiculous with him and so he drank.

And he's always done it, since he was young, since he was disowned by his father.

He'd just drink, just drink and drink until everything was numb and he didn't have to worry about how lonely he was.

Aaron nods his head and then passes over a little poster advertising for the meeting. "My name's Aaron." He says awkwardly and Robert feels his heart tug because he's endearing for some wacky reason. "I - yeah sorry for disturbing you." He whispers and Robert watches him leave the room, then the handle and -

"Don't be." Robert says softly, means it and feels something flutter inside him because at least someone cared.

At least.

His fingers fall along the poster and he sees the ugly world staring at him.

Alcohol Anonymous.

He closes his eyes, pictures himself sitting there baring his soul to randoms and wants to scrunch it up.

But he doesn't, because he keeps replaying the way the man stayed for him to wake up.

Maybe he was worth saving.

 

::

 

He's allowed back to his flat, because he refuses to speak to anyone and they need his bed.

He'd really fucked up his insides and probably caused lasting damage.

But he didn't care about himself, not in the way that you're supposed to.

He falls heavily down on the bed and hears something clink. It's a bottle of something brown and before he knows it, he's pressing it to his lips and shuddering at the relief it gives him.

And he can't even hate himself for it anymore. He's done that already, he's been through that sad stage and come out the other side not giving a shit about himself or what it's doing to him.

Because nobody else seemed to care.

So why should he?

Only Aaron did. And Robert feels guilty for the first time in months, guilty about drinking, guilty about not speaking to a nurse about how he was feeling.

But the guilt passes, because he drinks it away and makes sure that it won't stay for that long again.

 

::

 

It takes two whole weeks for Robert to show up in the poxy picturesque little village.

He feels like he's tainting it, just being there and it shows because everyone stares at him like he's some Beast or something.

He sights the hall, it's stretched out right at the end of the village and looks harmless until he sees the black and orange colours of the poster and he realises he can't escape it.

He's only here, he tells himself, because he's run out of money and if he wants a decent meal tonight he can't go and spend it on a bottle.

He needs a quick fix to his issue with always needing a quick fix?

It makes sense in his mind.

A woman's staring at him strangely from the door of the hall and he supposes this is the woman Aaron was talking about.

He can't, for the life of him, remember her name but she doesn't fit the description of your classic alcoholic. She's wearing a yellow dress with flipping sunflowers printed on, has her hair cascading down her back and she's saying goodbye to a little boy who's probably her own.

She looks at him and Robert wants to turn in the opposite direction, can't do _this_ suddenly.

And then he's hearing someone calling out for him to slow down. It's Aaron, and he's basically wearing the same get up, only this time the jumper is navy.

"You actually came?" Aaron smiles out, looks like he is ridiculously proud of a flipping stranger.

Robert gulps, nods his head along and then he's shaking it. "But I -"

"You're here now." Aaron says, turns back towards Laurel's standing. "She really is as harmless as she looks. I promise."

And Robert doesn't say anything.

"Come in then." Aaron says eagerly, so fucking eagerly that he nearly holds Robert's hand and then he's blushing hard. "Sorry." He says and Robert doesn't want him to be all of a sudden.

So he feels this tug to follow him. And he does.

And then he's sitting there and he's being offered a tea and he's feeling the heat of it pour over his palm.

Laurel's nice enough but he can't bring himself to say anything, he just sits there and hates how everyone stares at him. And then she's asking how he knows Aaron and there's this heavy beat of silence because he doesn't want to relive how they first ended up meeting.

But Aaron's there and he's jumping in. "Old mates." He jumps in. "He's just observing for today." He says, almost laughs off the way the tension filters through the room.

It's almost mad, how Aaron is still here and still trying to defend this absolutely incapable fool but -

Robert's grateful.

He's grateful because someone cares and he shows how grateful he is by agreeing to join Aaron for a a drink in the local cafe.

He sips a hot chocolate and fights against the wind before he feels Aaron staring at him.

"What?" He's asking, it just spills out and Aaron doesn't even look offended.

"You coming today, it means you're starting to accept that -"

"Whatever." Robert says, and then he's sighing hard. "So that Laurel, she used to be -"

And Aaron nods. "She's with my cousin Marlon, they've been through it, trust me." He says heavily. "But she was worth it, because he saw something in her."

And the way Aaron says it makes Robert's heart feel funny because he's reading too deeply into his words.

He must be.

Robert gulps, goes to speak and then a woman is coming into the cafe and walking up to the counter before stopping dead and turning towards him.

"Oh, who's this?" She's asking and Robert frowns at her before Aaron's almost painfully introducing his gobby mother.

She looks sharp, like she can read him and he wants to run.

Suddenly Robert realises that Aaron doesn't even know his name and his cheeks grow red. "Robert." He says, and then she's introducing herself.

"This a date or -"

And she's so forward, it aches.

Robert shakes his head furiously and Aaron rolls his eyes and she stalks off without saying anything else.

"Sorry about her." Aaron mumbles.

"It's okay." Robert says softly and then he looks towards the time on his phone. "Sure I'm not keeping you?" He says and Aaron shakes his head. "Not got a girlfriend or -" And he shakes his head again.

"Not my type." Aaron says dryly.

"What? _Girls_?" And yeah, he didn't expect that. Aaron smiles, almost dazzling and bright and fuck him to be quite frank because Robert feels his head go fuzzy. "Boyfriend then?"

"Not got one of those either." Aaron says, then pulls a face. "Don't mind though, keeps me from -"

"Being the Good Samaritan you are." Robert says and Aaron looks offended for just a second. "Sorry." He blurts out, unsure suddenly.

"Just want to help people I suppose, everyone's got their own shit to deal with." He says and his voice is hollow.

"Not everyone's like that."

"Yeah," Aaron agrees. "But I'm not like most people." He shrugs and then leans forward and reaches for his coffee.

"Must have been raised right." Robert says and Aaron looks uncomfortable. "Your mum is a character." He tells Aaron, wants to ease out some tension he's created.

"Sure she hasn't put you off coming back and maybe contributing to the session?"

And Robert frowns. "Why are you trying to help me?" He asks and Aaron looks so pure suddenly.

"Because you deserve it." He shrugs.

"You don't even know me." Robert tells him, eyes wide.

Aaron looks away and bites his lip. "Maybe I don't need to."

And Robert thinks about it all the way home.

 

::

 

He's frantic, and he hates when he gets like this but it's been too long now.

He's not had anything for nearly two whole days and he can't handle it anymore, because eating properly doesn't seem to help him at all.

It just makes him crave it more.

So he's currently turning over his sofa and looking for any sign of spare change. And when he does, when he collects a grand total of three pounds he knows it's barely enough for anything.

He gets the cheapest one he can find, the value brand one buried right at the back of the fridge. It hurts him, the fact that he can only afford _beer_ which won't do any good anyway.

Because that's a soft soft of alcohol now, only numbs the need.

His back is facing the harder stuff, the whiskey and the -

He just wants it, can't deny how fucking mad he is for it either.

"Oh sorry." A voice says, nearly trips over his foot and then when Robert looks up Aaron is standing there.

He's obviously doing his shopping for the week but the only thing Robert can see is a decent six pack of beer buried amongst the boring shit.

His eyes fall onto them and then Aaron's eyes are widening.

"You checking up on me? _Really_?" Robert snaps.

"What? No, no I - my flat's down the end of this road." Aaron tells him. "I moved out of the pub a few months ago."

And great, he used to live in a _pub_.

It makes Robert twitch and then he's feeling Aaron look at the cans he is holding. He goes to move out the way and then looks at the face Aaron makes.

It's all disappointed, all upset.

"I'm nearly twenty seven okay. I think I can make my own decisions." He snaps, mean, unkind and Aaron steps out of the way for him.

"I'm not trying to -"

But Robert doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to hear that softness and -

"Just leave me alone, will ya?" Robert says, and then he's shakily passing over his change and running out of the shop.

He watches from across the road as Aaron leaves almost five minutes after him. He watches him turn right and then cross a long road and then he disappears and Robert's already sorry.

He's not sorry _enough_ though, because he downs them all as soon as he's back in his flat.

"Stupid disappointed idiot." He mumbles, and then he's passing out on the bed and dreaming of nothing.

 

::

 

He nearly misses the next week.

He's slept in and hardly knows what day it is until he recalls Laurel shout something about next Tuesday and his phone tells him that's the date.

It's a weird sort of instinct thing to get up, get dressed and decide he has enough to get down to the village by bus.

By the time he's standing in the village though, he suddenly wonders why he even bothered and it eats him up inside.

He's early as well and as he walks inside he sees Laurel pulling chairs into the middle of the room.

"Oh hello." She says, and Robert nods slowly at her. "You were here last week, with Aaron."

And he doesn't even want to see him, because he's embarrassed, because he acted like a twat the last time they bumped into each other.

"I'm glad you've managed to make it again." She says kindly, "It's always the hardest step, admitting that you have a problem."

And yeah, he's not there yet. He's telling himself that all this isn't really real.

"Sounds cliche." Robert tells her and she laughs, agrees with him.

"But it'll help make things easier. And Aaron obviously believes in ya."

But Aaron hardly knows him.

"You wouldn't be _here_ otherwise." She smiles at him, and then he's telling her he needs some air and Aaron's walking straight towards him.

He looks well, better than the state Robert does.

"Didn't think you'd come." Aaron says, voice tight. "You wanted me to leave you alone?"

Robert nods. "I did, then." He says, and this is so hard. "But now I - I'm here so." He looks towards the floor. "It's something at least." He whispers.

And Aaron thaws. "Yeah it is." He says and for the first time, Robert allows himself to wonder about Aaron, want to know about him and why he gives a shit about randoms.

But Aaron cuts him off. "What changed your mind?"

And Robert can't think of anything really. "I didn't give myself chance to think. I just came here and -"

"You have to _want_ this." Aaron steps closer to him and obviously doesn't care how it looks as his mother watches them from the pub.

Robert's eyes flicker. "I - I - stop pressuring me." He says breathlessly and Aaron looks sorry.

"I didn't mean to. I just want you to - to know that this will only help if you want it to."

And Robert knows that.

"Yeah." He says slowly and then he walks back inside with Aaron.

 

::

 

"And - well, is there anything you'd like to say today?" Laurel isn't like staring directly into his soul or anything but it unnerves him nevertheless and he can't help but clear his throat awkwardly.

"My name's Robert." He tells her, tells the seven other randoms too. "I - I suppose I drink more than what's recommended." And he's trying to laugh through this, just failing and then Aaron leans into him a little.

"You've got this." Aaron says and Robert looks towards him, feels this sudden sense of 'it's okay' take over his body and he's nodding his head along.

"I have a problem." He blurts out, eyes tearing up as he speaks and lets out a little shudder.

And he doesn't remember anything else he says, because things go blurry and the only thing he's sure of is the feel of Aaron's hand in his clammy one.

 

::

 

Aaron catches him drunk a few nights later and he's so awfully kind about it that Robert wants to hide himself away.

"Nice eyes." Robert mumbles, and Aaron's holding him up and taking him back to his flat. "So _blue_." He says and Aaron lets out this little laugh before stopping.

"Lets get you -"

"You smell good." Robert says, face buried into Aaron's neck and he feels the younger man's feet buckle a little as he speaks. "Sorry." He blurts out as they get to his door.

"Sleep it off." Aaron tells him.

"Meant to be on my road to recovery." Robert giggles out, "Never will be though." His voice is heavy and hollow and Aaron leans into him a little and smiles.

"You will be."

And Robert nods, for a second he's pulling Aaron in by his coat and he thinks about having sex on his mattress, breaking Aaron's heart and watching him give up on him like he should.

He feels his lips brush against Aaron's and then he pushes away. "I really like ya." He slips out, blushes and Aaron does the same before biting his lip.

"Night Robert." He says, hands in his pockets and a soft look about him as he walks away.

And Robert watches him go, shamelessly enjoys the view.

 

::

 

Somehow him and Aaron become friends.

Proper ones and it blows Robert's mind, how much he doesn't want Aaron to fuck off and stop trying to help him.

He even tells him things, and Laurel's weekly sessions seem to fit around the time they spend together.

"Don't you just always want to ask me if I've had a drink today?" Robert admits, he's at the garage in the village, kicking a tyre and waiting for Aaron to finish.

He's tried to forget about the other day, when he admitted to a group of strangers that he was an alcoholic, had a problem, and Aaron squeezed his hand tight.

And then he thought about fucking him in his drunk state, thought of Aaron naked in his bed.

He's trying to forget -

But he can't, and no amount of drinking seems to get rid of that.

Aaron puts down a tool and squints up at Robert. "Have ya?" He asks and Robert is taken aback.

"Yeah." He says eventually and Aaron just nods.

"Did ya think I was going to punch ya for it?" He's asking in confusion and Robert shakes his head.

"Thought you'd be disappointed." He shrugs and Robert blinks quickly as he speaks.

Aaron looks at Robert strangely. "Don't think that." He says and then he sighs. "I don't - I'm not usually - I mean -"

"Spit it out."

"I just want to see you right." Aaron snaps out, eyes a little soft. "Can't explain it but -"

"I'm not a lost cause just yet then?"

And Aaron bites his lip. "Far from it."

 

::

 

He feels like a failure because he can't stop himself.

He thinks of Aaron and he drinks regardless of how light the younger man makes him feel.

He drinks, he lies and steals, _regardless_.

 

::

 

He wants to hide himself the next day, he's fucking binged and he watches Aaron run past him, he's got jogging gear on and headphones in and Robert thinks he hasn't seen him but then Aaron's jogging back and looking at him.

"You look like shit." Aaron tells him, and Robert's got a bag full of empty bottles hanging from his hand. He holds the bag tightly and shudders.

"Feel like it too." He says, and then Aaron's leaning closer to him.

"Oh _God_ are you still drunk?" Aaron's asking and Robert probably is, can't remember when he passed out. It might have only been a few hours ago. "I can smell it on your breath."

And Robert wants to cry suddenly, feels like a fucking child and he slams the door in Aaron's face and does just that, just _cries_.

 

::

 

"Rob, come on. Open the door."

And Robert feels like a fool, for breaking down and crying and being so upset over a comment or two.

But it hurt, and this hurts, and all he wants to do is drink.

Because it calms the shores in his mind, the waves stop crashing against his memories and the life he once had and he can forget the face that he has a fucking problem in the first place.

"Go away." Robert chokes out and Aaron just won't.

"I'm sorry." Aaron says, and his words, his acceptance of the hurt he caused is something Robert isn't familiar with. It knocks his breath away and the next thing he knows, he's drying his eyes and opening the door and Aaron walks in slowly.

He's embarrassed to see Aaron's face, his reaction to the state of his place, so he doesn't look and instead sits on the sofa and watches the younger man hang by the door.

"Why did you want to drink last night?" Aaron says. "Did - did something happen?"

Robert sighs. "Same as always." He says. "Can never find a reason these days, I just _do_ it and think later, or I don't think at all." He says, and a tear falls down his face.

Aaron shudders. "How long has -"

"Got kicked out of my home when I was nineteen." Robert says, looks towards the wall and doesn't flinch when Aaron comes closer towards him. "Just became something I could control at first, I could say how much I wanted, how it made me feel, how much I spent. And then -" he can't remember when it wrong, but it did. It fucking did. "I wasn't drinking with mates anymore, I was just - just drinking alone, in here. And I didn't even want to anymore."

Aaron sniffs, and Robert doesn't want to think he's crying.

"You won't always be like this." Aaron tells him.

"No? Because - because those sessions are supposed to fucking help and what do I do? I binge drink like a teenager and -" he runs a hand through his hair and sighs. It's weird, the fact that he's not told Aaron any of this yet. He feels like he should have.

Aaron puts his hand over Robert's and when they touch he shudders a little. "You want help don't you?" He says and Robert nods his head softly. "I'll help ya Rob, I promise." He says and Robert frowns.

"You shouldn't want to." Robert drops his head. "All I do is disappoint people." He says and Aaron just gulps.

"I'm not most people am I." Aaron says easily and then he's looking around the flat. "Have you got anymore booze in here?"

And Robert lies because he feels like has to, but Aaron knows him, seems to anyway and looks in the cupboard he's too small to reach.

"You prick, just because I'm short." Aaron teases and it's not hard, it's easy, and Robert's in his flat, laughing, for the first time in years.

 

::

 

Aaron starts coming around more often.

And Robert oddly welcomes it.

"You cold?" Aaron asks, and Robert frowns at him before noticing the shake in his hand. It makes Aaron change colour when he realises what it really is.

It happened a few months ago, it usually happens just after he's got absolutely wasted.

Aaron's still staring down at Robert's hand, and it makes the older man stand up from his sofa and walk towards the window.

"'Not a monster Aaron." He whispers, and Aaron starts babbling about having to go and see a doctor and -

"I'll see you on Wednesday." Robert says, turns around and Aaron's eyes are watery.

"I didn't think it was that -"

"Remember where you met me?"

Aaron's eyelashes flicker quickly and the mood is dampened, everything's drawn back to Robert's _problem_.

Why the hell Aaron's sitting in his living room in the first place.

"I think you should go. I'm tired."

But Aaron doesn't move and Robert has to make him and yeah he raises his voice and Aaron looks scared for him and then suddenly everything is heavy.

 

::

 

It wasn't a fight, it wasn't anything really but it makes Robert feel like his heart has been kicked at for hours.

He's angry about how upset Aaron was, he wants to tell him not to bother but he's scared it's beyond that now Aaron's gone and been in his home.

He's more angry at himself for allowing it to happen in the first place.

And that, it's something that the bottom of a bottle of vodka can help him with tonight he thinks.

So he drinks until he can barely remember Aaron's name.

 

::

 

He remembers first trying alcohol with Andy when they were fourteen, he spat it out on the hay and wriggled about and Andy called him a baby.

It stuck.

He remembers that a lot. Along with his father, constantly seen with his hand clasped around a pint of ale. The ultimate sign of a job well done, a reward.

And Robert,

Maybe all he wanted to was to feel rewarded too.

 

::

 

He's sober.

And his head hurts and he thinks about Aaron and he's sad.

He doesn't have the energy to do anything but he goes. Because it's Wednesday and -

He goes.

Only the bus gets diverted and he's handed back his change and there's a shop right across the street.

"Don't." He pleads, and then Aaron's number appears on his phone and he hates the guilt he feels so he suppresses it. And then he's charging across the road and buying a bottle.

It rains when he leaves, and he manages to walk all the way there. He hasn't touched the drink yet, has it in his breast pocket as he sees Laurel welcoming people.

He's all unworthy suddenly and he feels sick, like he wants to just get rid of it all. And then Aaron's there, he's moving chairs and looking towards the window anxiously and Robert is a monster for making him care so much.

It's not fair because this shitty problem is his own and no on else's. It shouldn't have to be.

It's still raining when Aaron comes out and sees him standing there. He's got his eyes wide as he sees what Robert's taken out of his pocket and is holding out in front of him.

"Don't drink it." Aaron pleads with him, "I'm - please don't -"

"Why? I went to those shitty sessions and it didn't help." Robert snaps and maybe he's crying, maybe he just needs to have another break down.

"It will!" Aaron screams back. "Just - just give it a chance, I promise I -"

"Why do you even care?" And it was a good question because Aaron was just supporting him, held his hand last time he opened up in front of Laurel and the others. He makes sure he got himself home safely and has enough money for food and it is going far beyond a charity worker doing good for his community.

And he doesn't know what his deal was.

"I just do!" And the rain is crashing down now, Robert wants to turn and run somehow, neck the whole thing back.

"Leave me alone Aaron, you don't have to pretend to care."

And then he says something which makes Robert find it hard to breathe.

"I care more than I should." Aaron shouts over the sound of the rain. "Because - because I'm really falling for ya and I want to help you through this."

It makes Robert drop the bottle to the floor, and maybe it is symbolic of something but he doesn't think about it too much because the next thing he knows Aaron was kissing him gently on the lips and Robert was feeling everything else fall away.

And Aaron wasn't pulling away in disgust, he was deepening his movements and Robert was just stunned and then it was over before he could lean in too and -

Aaron stares at Robert in shock, panting hard and soaked with the rain, and then Robert's closing the gap between them and holding Aaron's face.

"You shouldn't care that much about someone like me." Robert can only say, eyes watering and this need to kiss Aaron back too much to bare.

Aaron looks up, looks heartbroken and Robert presses a kiss against the younger man's forehead.

"Tough." Aaron whispers, holds at Robert's jacket and then he's following him towards an old cricket pavilion.

"How can you even bare to be around me?" Robert asks, and Aaron's sitting next to him on the sheltered wooden platform.

Aaron's eyes flicker. "I don't know. I can't describe it." He says slowly. "I - don't see 'Robert the alcoholic'."

Robert arches an eyebrow. "What else is there?" He whispers, and Aaron turns soft.

"A lost man, someone who just needs someone who will stay around. A clever idiot who could have any job he wanted if he set his mind to it." The wind picks up and Aaron shudders. "A man who _will_ beat this."

And Robert smiles through his tears, looks over at Aaron and tries not to breakdown as Aaron pulls his face towards his. "We - we can't do that again." Robert tells Aaron. "Because I'll only hurt you, I'll scare you and -"

"Shh, shh. It's okay." Aaron whispers back and Robert for the first time in absolute years leans into someone and allows an embrace instead of a bottle to make everything feel like it's okay.

 

::

 

Aaron hasn't kissed him again and Robert, secretly, keeps wanting him to.

But then he's passing the off license and Saraj is passing him over something and shaking his head and telling him that he'll have to stop soon.

He's cut down though. Ever since that night, every since he realised that somehow, subconsciously, he's gone and made Aaron fall for him.

It's made things change, and he doesn't know what to do about it.

He's at the Woolpack for the first time and he breathes through temptation until Aaron waves a hand out and they're sitting on the table the furthest away from the bar, from the booze.

"We didn't have to meet here." Aaron tells Robert and he's been so good about things. It must have hurt, must have felt confusing.

Falling for an addict and then getting turned down.

But he didn't turn and leave. Maybe he couldn't. Maybe he was in way too deep already.

Chas calls over and she's asking for Aaron, he stands and Robert tries his best not to overhear but he does.

She's on about knowing what's going on, what's _wrong_ with him and then she's saying he doesn't need this stress right now.

It makes Robert feel even more like a burden than he already does.

"He's an alcoholic." She stresses.

"We're just mates. I'm helping him out, what's the problem here?" He's hissing and she shakes her head.

"The _problem_ is, I'm scared my son has gone and fallen for the least stable person on the planet. He looks -"

And Aaron has his back up suddenly. "Butt out." He hisses.

"I've seen the way you look at him." She says sadly, "I don't want to see you get hurt."

And then Aaron's coming back the table and telling Robert if he wants to get out of here.

Robert nods and then they're at the pavilion again and Aaron's too quiet.

"I heard what she said and she wasn't wrong." Robert says and Aaron snaps his head up. "She said you had stuff going on?" Stress, stress right _now_.

Aaron shrugs. "I don't want to speak about it." He says and Robert nods respectfully before he sighs.

"I don't want to be a burden." He says slowly and Aaron doesn't say anything. "I don't want -"

And Aaron looks at him, and he freezes.

"You're not a burden. You're -" and the way Aaron looks at him makes Robert feel like he's going to faint. "You're _not_." He whispers but Robert looks away.

"Maybe I should just leave you alone." He says, "Aaron you care about me and I'm _still_ an alcoholic and -"

"I was gonna ask if you wanted to crash at mine instead of yours." Aaron blurts out nervously. "Less temptation I suppose."

Robert frowns. "Won't that - I mean - I -"

"You know I care, but you can't do anything to stop that so don't try okay?" Aaron says, and then he's flickering his eyes. "Unless you don't even want us to be mates."

And Robert _does_ want them to be mates.

"I need ya." He blurts out and Aaron blushes. "I mean - yeah - I do. I - maybe it'd be a good idea."

And then he's slowly pulling Aaron in for a hug and feeling electricity surge through him. "You're the best mate in the world Aaron."

He smiles through the way his heart feels.

 

::

 

He doesn't drink for three whole days and his head doesn't feel funny. He feels less hazy.

"Bet you think I'm a right weirdo." Robert says, feet knocking against the bench and a bottle of brandy out in front of him.

Aaron just frowns, hands in his pockets and lines on his forehead. "A little."

Robert holds the bottle up. "You know what Laurel said about really thinking about alcohol?" Aaron nods. "It's just liquid innit?" He says, turns the bottle on its head. "Liquid I don't need." He says, and he has all this strength out of nowhere. 

And Aaron slams a hand on his back and smiles. "That's the spirit." He says and Robert feels like he's flying.

 

::

 

He finally has that chat with Chas.

The one which is long overdue.

"I'd offer you a pint but -" she smiles and then her face drops and she scratches at her shoulder. "Sorry."

"Shouldn't I be saying that to you?" And Chas frowns. "You know, with me messing Aaron about?"

She drops her face.

"He's going through a lot." She says and Robert hasn't got a clue.

He hasn't moved in yet, he's still scared of what it could mean and how Aaron would react to seeing him _all_ the time.

"What's he going through?" He's asking because Aaron's made him a lot less like a heartless bastard and he genuinely cares.

Chas' eyes flicker and then she huffs out a sigh. "Things." She says vaguely and shrugs her shoulders. "But he seems to want to spend all his time with you."

And that makes Robert feel odd inside.

He nods, chews at his gum and then he blows out a breath. "I'm a wreck." He whispers and she looks surprised. "A big one. But I haven't had a drink in four whole days." He gulps hard. "And Aaron, he seems to think I'm worth something more than - _this_." He whispers, almost embarrassed and she nods at him slowly before walking away.

 

::

 

Robert hears Aaron crying.

And it makes his insides hurt.

But Aaron doesn't tell him what's wrong, it's never ever about him.

 

::

 

"This is the longest I've been sober in - in a long time." Robert tells Aaron, and they're sitting opposite each other in the cafe.

It's been four days and eleven whole hours.

Aaron warms suddenly and smiles. "You're doing amazing," he whispers and Robert gulps hard.

"And you?" He's asking, and then Aaron's almost turning his body away. "Aaron?"

Aaron raises his head slowly. "Sorry." He blurts out and then he's got this soft look on his face. "I'm - I'm fine."

But he isn't and that's as clear as day.

Because he's got 'stuff' going on and Robert didn't imagine the sobs he heard coming from the pub toilets.

But nobody tells him, because he's the screwed up addict who'll neck a bottle of something and lose his head.

"You can tell me things you know." Robert says softly. "This isn't a one sided -" Friendship? Maybe, whatever they are.

Because that's a difficult thing to talk about too. It's clear now that Aaron, for a wild reason, has feelings for Robert. And Robert, he just wants to kiss him sometimes.

And Aaron's slid into that part of his brain which only focuses on where the next drink is coming from.

"I know it's not." Aaron says, "I'm fine though, just - just want to be normal with you."

And maybe something weird is going on with him, in his life, and Robert has fallen into the category of Safe and Stable somehow.

Some flipping how.

"The alcoholic low life." He says, plainly.

Aaron's frowning, "The Star Trek geek." He says.

Robert's raising an eyebrow and feels his chest unravel. "It's Star _Wars_." He's pushing out and then they're actually laughing.

 

::

 

The thing is, he nearly lasts five whole days, and he thinks it isn't that bad then if he can do that long.

He mustn't be addicted to it.

But then he feels the walls completely crash down around him, because Aaron's saying the most terrible thing he's ever heard and he _pushes_ for it.

Aaron, he's got to go to court for something and Robert just won't let it fucking lie.

And he's pushing and telling Aaron that he should know, like he's _entitled_ to know and -

"Why can't you just drop it?" Aaron's hissing, all moody looking with a black hoodie and sad eyes.

"Because I heard what I fucking heard." Chas, practically sobbing to Charity about her son having to go through it all? Having to face _him_.

"I thought we were mates. Or am I the only weak one? Is that it? Does hanging around with me make you feel a bit stronger? Does -"

"My dad used to abuse me." Aaron whispers, hollow, voice absolutely wrecked suddenly.

And Robert falls back, and everything is forgotten about because Aaron's so small and frightened and he flinches when Robert tries to wrap his arms around him.

But he explains, when the moon is in their company and the stars twinkle. And it's fucking grim, makes bile rise in Robert's mouth.

"He's being sentenced." He says, "I've already been through the - the trial and -"

And Robert's eyes flicker. "When?" He blurts out, and it was months ago, before they even knew each other.

"I didn't want to think about it _all_ the fucking time so I - started to help out in the community like a twat." He says, and Robert has a hand running through his hair. "I just didn't want anyone to feel like I did. Alone." He says, voice dropping down even lower and Robert takes his time to softly pull Aaron into him further.

"You're not, you know. I'm here." Robert whispers, and then Aaron's leaning against him and they could probably kiss like this and it would be everything and more but they don't.

Instead Aaron brushes his face against Robert's and they both shudder.

"The bravest boy I know." Robert says, firm, determined for Aaron to say exactly what he does.

Aaron scoffs, and he has a hand which gathers material around Robert's jumper, hands balling into a distance really. "Says the man fighting an addiction."

And he has it on his mind, it's there, he knows with a horrible underlining sense of guilt, that he'll kiss Aaron on the forehead and walk him home and then he'll by as much whiskey as he can afford.

The hard stuff.

Because, he can't control it.

He never will be able to.

Most people would cry, they'd want comfort and tears and ice cream.

But he wants a drink, craves one so bad that he feels it radiating out of him and wonders if Aaron can hear it.

Hear:

Whiskey, it'll do the trick. Vodka. Is it on sale? Yeah. Just spent as much as you have on you. Yeah. And it'll make it stop.

Robert turns his head away and Aaron's crying again out of nowhere and he's vulnerable, so vulnerable.

"You're not on your own." Robert tells him, and then Chas is finding their spot by the pavilion and she's staring down at her son in Robert's arms.

"Darling," she's saying and Aaron's eyes are red when he looks up and Robert can see how uncertain he is about her presence. "I've got your bed made up, you're staying with me tonight." She says.

Robert feels his head grow fuzzy and Aaron's there, he's a boy, a little boy with a smile and soft eyes and a cheeky laugh and -

He's crying, he's being fucking -

Aaron's arm is on his, tight, unmoving. "Will you stay with me? Just for a little while."

And somehow, in the midst of whatever they are, Robert realises he isn't the only dependent one.

So despite everything, Robert nods his head and finds himself sleeping in a bed next to Aaron.

Covers thrown over them both, still cold and a window open a little to have breeze flow in.

Aaron nuzzles his head into Robert's neck and says things he shouldn't but Robert forgives him.

Things like,

_'You're the only person I want to sleep next to. You're the only one Rob.'_

And,

_'You make me less sad, you make me want to smile and forget that it hurts. With you, the tears stop.'_

He thinks Robert's asleep, but he isn't. And he feels the way Aaron kisses his shoulder before closing his eyes.

It should make Robert strong, hearing how much he can do for someone one else.

How much he can _give_.

But it doesn't, because he's a cheap useless addict and -

He's laying in a bed directly on top of a bar, a pub and -

He's always been this way.

 

::

 

He wakes up, eyes flickering open and Aaron's over him.

He squints at the bright lights, and tries to sit up but his elbow slips over something, and when he looks towards it, he sees a bottle of something, broken, alcohol pouring out of it still.

Aaron blinks once, and he's got a green soft jumper on, he was wearing it to bed last night.

And he looks like he's breaking, like he doesn't know what he can do.

That's when Robert becomes more alert, and he's realising that he's laying in the middle of what can only be described as last night's despair.

His utter weakness displayed out for Aaron to see.

He's drank the place dry basically.

And Aaron's walked in on him, probably whilst he was passed out and -

"I turned over and you weren't holding my hand anymore."

 _That's_ what it's about.

Because he chose a drink over comforting fucking Aaron.

Robert slips and slides and drags himself up. Aaron turns away from him and looks disgusted and then -

"I'm so sorry." Robert blurts out. "I don't - don't know what I -"

"You're an addict. That's what addicts do." Aaron says, dry, unfeeling. "It's just _in_ you to be selfish."

And the way he says it makes Robert flinch.

Like he's got this fucking disease which makes him unworthy of Aaron's what? His friendship? His care? His lov -

"Aaron." Robert breathes out, tries to come forward but Aaron backs away.

"I told you about - about _him_. And what do you do? Get fucking wasted." Aaron shudders. "Because you haven't got a _clue_ about how hard that was for me. How much it actually meant to me." He's crying, and it's something that will never stop making Robert want to hate the world.

"I'm sorry." Robert says again, shivers before he's feeling this urge to be sick and he's fighting it down. "I'm - Aaron, let me be a mate and -"

Aaron scoffs, sad eyes meet sad eyes and he tells him they aren't mates, never were apparently and that they should forget what's been going on.

Because Aaron will always be the abused kid and Robert will always be the alcoholic and they don't mix.

Apparently that's what needs to happen.

 _Apparently_ , Robert thinks as he shuffles out of the door and hears Chas walk in and start banging on about how right she always was about him, he doesn't get a say in any of it.

 

::

 

When he vomits, he sees fucking blood and smacks his head against the wall before sighing.

In his gut, there's guilt, Aaron put it there.

But Aaron took it out hours ago.

So,

Robert nibbles on some bread and pours vodka into a mug.

 

::

 

He doesn't see Aaron.

He just doesn't.

And he wants to, he wants to send him a message and ask when the sentencing is and be a mate. Only he isn't one of those anymore.

Because he'd crept downstairs and got wasted after Aaron confided in him about the worst thing in the world.

"You're scum." He tells himself, and if this is another downward spiral, he's ready.

 

::

 

Saraj doesn't serve him the next time he slopes off to the corner shop because he just _needs_ something and he loses the plot.

He starts throwing shit around in the shop and causes this massive scene and then he's staggering back to his flat and clawing at the walls for hours until he's passing out and thinking about him.

He's thinking about Aaron, and drink, and Aaron, and drink and Aaron, and -

 

::

 

It's nearly been two whole weeks and he realises that he's punishing himself now.

That's why he hasn't gone back to the village and had the sessions with the support group, the useless ones.

Instead he's unintentionally going cold turkey because he hasn't got a penny to his name and he's only alive really because of the invention of a tap, and some moulding bread on the counter.

He's never felt so weak in his life, but he tells himself that he's strong.

He can barely stand, and yet he's staggering about the flat and telling himself all he needs is some fresh air through his lungs and then he'll be fine. Because he's lasted nearly six days without anything now, and yeah, he's lost his fucking mind over it, he's trashed the flat and thought of what he'd do for a stiff fucking drink but -

Maybe it was the lack of energy, maybe it was some unknown willpower, maybe it was still fucking Aaron.

He slips his coat on and manages to make it down the stairs and onto the street, he passes the shop without raising his head and finds himself sitting on a bench in a park like a saddo.

He knows how he looks, pale, fucking ridiculously so but he doesn't think about it. Instead he softly grazes his thumb over his phone and then feels it vibrate.

It makes him freeze.

And as he brings it out, he sees who's calling him.

It makes him gasp, knocks the air out of him and his eyes flutter a little because suddenly he's wanting to be sick.

It's his little sister, and something must have happened, something bad or else she wouldn't even be bothering to ring at all.

Because it's not like she knows anything.

He picks up the phone, and she's emotional, he can tell as much.

"Robert?" She's saying, and it's been years yet she sounds exactly the same.

"Vic." He whispers, "What -"

"I know it's been ages." _Years, years Vic._ "You kept yourself away and I didn't - we didn't try and stop that but -" she almost smiles down the phone, and Robert can feel her nerves. "I'm getting married and I'd love you to be there."

It makes him cry, because he's unstable and a wreck and this need for something strong to drink is burning through him suddenly. It makes him wince, press himself forward and swing left to right and -

"Are you still there?" She's asking lightly, and he's a kid again, and she's younger, and she idolises him and -

He lets her down, because he leaves when he's asked to and he misses every single birthday on purpose.

"Yeah." He says, voice tight. He sniffs, pulls the phone away from him and tries to figure out how to breathe. "Vic, now's not a good time, can I - can I ring you back?" And he's breaking her heart but he has to.

She doesn't say anything for a second or so and then agrees.

"I'm so happy for you." He whispers softly against the phone and then the call is ending and he feels even more like a fucking failure.

 

::

 

It rains, but he stays where he is and accepts whatever will happen next.

He's probably going to pass out again, probably going to wake up in hospital and demand a drink.

Probably -

There's been a festival in the park, miles away from him but it's over now and there's a mass of students making their way towards the exit. There's this one lad, and he's drunk beyond belief, holding cans up high in the air and some girl snatches them from him and she's charging towards a bin and chucking them inside like they mean nothing.

It makes Robert gasp, eyes wide, eyes so fucking wide and he doesn't have to think twice before he's taking them and running out of the park before anyone sees him.

Only, when he's alone, down some alley way and holding the pack close, he thinks of him.

And how much he's going to hate him even more now.

And Vic, and Andy and -

He doesn't exactly know what makes him do it, but he gets to his flat, and he stares at the cans whilst scrolling through his phone and finding his name.

His leg is shaking up and down, again and again and again and -

The line clicks, the time starts rolling on the call and Robert hitches a breath.

"Aaron?" He gasps out, then suddenly looks at the clock, somehow it's nearly three in the morning and he thinks about hanging up before -

"Robert - you're -"

"I don't want to drink them, I fucking _swear_ I don't." Robert's saying shakily, eyes wide, tears streaming down his face. "I don't want them, but I'm scared if I do - then I'll die or something. I don't want to die, I don't want to -"

"Listen to me." Aaron says quickly, and it's obvious he's moving around now. "Just keep speaking to me okay, and don't touch them, don't -"

"I'm fucking weak, maybe it's just better if I drink myself away." He mumbles and then Aaron's closing a door, he's running and Robert can hear him. "I'm so sorry." He cries, "I hate me, I hate -"

There's this knock on the door and Robert drops the phone, he walks towards it and then Aaron's crashing into him as he opens it. Aaron, he's - he's got his arms around him and he looks petrified, and then he's quickly moving away and walking into the flat.

"How many have you had?" Aaron's asking him plainly.

"None." Robert shakes his head.

"Don't lie to me." Aaron's saying, face puffy and red. "Don't -"

But Robert touches the cans, and shoves them towards Aaron. They're all there.

Aaron breathes in sharply, comes to sit on the bed in the corner of the room. He looks almost as uncomfortable as it feels to lay on it.

"I'm sorry." Robert whispers, and Aaron just rubs a hand over his face before Robert is crouching in front of him and crying. "I hate myself, because I can't _stop_."

And Aaron's hands fall over Robert's hair, he allows Robert to place his head in his lap and sob. "You _can_ , you will. I - promise you, this isn't your life."

"It should be." Robert's saying, voice hollow as he lifts his head and he expects Aaron to leave any second but he doesn't.

Instead he rests against the wall, still laying on the bed, and Robert lays next to him.

"Me being like this makes me thankful my mum's dead you know." Robert speaks candidly and surprises himself. "She'd hate seeing me like this."

Aaron doesn't say anything for a second. "When did she -"

"I was fifteen." He whispers, "And everything went wrong the minute after she stopped breathing."

And he only needs Aaron to hold him for now.

 

::

 

"I haven't drank for six days." Robert tells him and Aaron's eyes flicker with surprise, with pride. "Because I kept seeing who I was when I drank at your mum's pub." He's never been so ashamed. Aaron's body grows stiff and Robert gulps. "That's why I fucking hate myself, why I always will."

Aaron doesn't say anything for the longest time and then he's pulling a hand through Robert's hair. "I don't hate you." He whispers, "I just shouldn't have told you, you weren't in the right -"

"You should be able to tell me things." Robert whispers back, looks up at Aaron. "You're my best friend." He says, like they're fourteen. "And you don't need to hide that sort of stuff from me. Because I want to be there for you."

Aaron clicks his tongue, "It's not fair though." He says heavily, "How can I ask you to - to hold me and say everything is okay when you're fighting this huge fucking battle and -"

"So are you." Robert tells him softly, and he locks their hands together. It makes Aaron break down a little, and then he's crying and they're both messes to be quite frank but they hold each other until it passes.

"I'm a mess." Robert says, laying flat against the bed now as Aaron lays next to him doing the same. "And I'm weak, you though, you're so strong." He tells him. "You told me _everything_ , and I couldn't stop myself from thinking about where I'd get my next drink from."

Aaron's got tears down his face, "Because you were in a _pub_." He almost cringes, "And I -"

"Don't you dare apologise." He says and then he's lifting himself up. "Never ever wanted you to feel bad about _anything_. It's _me_ Aaron, you were right when you said I was selfish. I am. I'm so fucking -"

And Aaron's so close to him, he holds Robert's hands and shudders. "I didn't mean that, I was just angry." He says quickly, voice soft and he doesn't speak for a second. "I think, we both just need someone don't we?" He offers and Robert will never deserve this, never ever be worthy of this.

Robert's eyes flicker. "You don't _need_ me, not the way I need you." He admits, because it's so painfully true.

And then Aaron's pressing his forehead against Robert's. "You make it all go away." He whispers, and then points to his head. "You make it stop hurting."

It makes Robert shudder, and he doesn't understand how because he's a nightmare but apparently -

"You're not Robert the alcoholic when we're alone like this, you give me strength, you make me think of - of a time where it won't hurt so much, any of it." Aaron shuts his eyes and then Robert's nuzzling their noses together and Aaron breathes out shakily.

"You make it go away too." Robert tells him, and then he's suddenly gripping onto Aaron's jumper and pressing his lips against Aaron's and he's kissing him delicately, feels butterflies leave his chest and fly around them both and nothing, not Aaron's fucked up childhood, or Robert's fucked up addiction, can stop how it feels.

Nothing can.

And Robert makes Aaron smile like a little girl with a massive crush as he pulls away, clears his throat and bites his lip.

"I offered you a place to stay, and you're coming with me now." Aaron whispers and Robert still looks hesitant.

"And you haven't got any normal people who can support you through everything without being addicted to -"

Aaron squeezes his hand. "Come with me." He whispers, "Because we can fix each other if we try hard enough."

And it makes Robert cry, he hate crying, it's the withdrawal, it's this need to have a drink and -

"I'm petrified of hurting you." Robert says, bites at his lip and backs towards the wall. "I'm sorry, I'm - too weak to -"

And Aaron's gripping at his shoulders. "You could have necked them all back, no trouble right?" Robert nods. "But you didn't, you rang _me_." He says, "Even though we hadn't spoken in weeks, even though you thought I was angry at you, when I was scared you had -"

Died.

Ran.

Left me.

"So stop calling yourself weak you idiot." Aaron hammers the point home and shoves Robert a little before holding his hand again. "Don't make me drag you out of here."

And he doesn't have to, because Robert goes.

For the first time in years, he leaves, because he wants to better himself.

 

::

 

They stay up all night and talk, Robert watches Aaron remove the beer from his fridge and take it away from him.

He watches him ring his mum, he can hear her down the line because she's so loud.

In short,

Aaron's obviously been worried about him recently, he's been worried enough to confide in his mum.

"He rang me, he - he didn't drink mum." And he's blowing out a breath, nodding his head and she's calling him crazy for wasting his time but she's soft about it now.

Almost as though she understands how much her son cannot walk away from Robert.

Not now.

Not this far in to whatever they are.

"He's worth it." He's saying, and then he's telling her not to worry and saying goodbye and Robert stands over the bed.

Because he's only got one.

"I promise there's no monsters underneath." Aaron says childishly and Robert gives him this nervous smile before gulping hard.

Aaron stares at him for a few seconds before he slides into the small single bed and watches Robert hesitantly lay next to him.

He's not wearing a top, just his boxers and he feels Aaron staring at how much weight he's lost.

He chooses to look away before he's allowing himself to be comfortable and Aaron presses their bodies closer, just a little.

"Aaron?" Robert whispers, and Aaron hums out a response. "Tell me I didn't miss the sentencing."

And Aaron turns towards him. "You didn't miss the sentencing." He says. "Three weeks away." He whispers, eyes glazing over just at the mention of it.

Robert wants to apologise for bringing it up, but he doesn't. Instead he gulps hard and goes into his head.

It must be obvious because Aaron's asking him what's wrong about a second later.

"I thought about selling myself." Robert whispers, utterly ashamed of the thoughts he had when he was stuck in that flat with nothing to his name. "My body. For some booze." His skin prickles and Aaron looks at him with his mouth open a little.

"It's okay." Aaron blurts out, a hand falls over Robert's shoulder as he cries. "Please don't cry."

"I was so scared, I thought - thought of catching something, not being able to go through with it and getting beaten up or -" he shudders and Aaron wipes at his face. "I thought of _you_." He whispers, "And I couldn't do it."

Aaron winces, gulps hard and nods his head. "Because you don't need it, not really. All you need is -"

"You." Robert croaks out, "Because making you smile, it gives me a purpose." He whispers, "That's all I've wanted for so long, a purpose."

Aaron's chin wobbles and he kisses Robert's forehead before resting his head against Robert's shoulder. "You've got one." He whispers, and Robert feels Aaron holding his hand tight even though he's fast asleep.

Almost like, even subconsciously, Robert is, for a messed up and unknown reason he'll never understand, Aaron's anchor against the shores of his nightmares.

 

::

 

Aaron likes beaches.

Robert finds that out two days later.

And it becomes somewhere they go, despite the cold, despite the winter winds.

Aaron likes collecting fossils like he's four and Robert watches him, fascinated.

"What?" Aaron says, and Robert's mind races back to last night. Aaron whimpered and struggled and he cried until the feeling past and Robert could hold him again.

"You look happy." He says, and Aaron's eyes flicker. "Do I make you happy Aaron?" He's saying, almost too plainly and then he smiles gently.

It makes Aaron blush and then he nods his head.

"So does this place." He says, "I used to come here before -"

And it hangs in the air, because Aaron was abused, over and over again and it only got worse until he managed to fucking escape it all.

Escape that monster.

"It's nice here." Robert breathes in the air, and his head feels fuzzy a little by he can't help that.

Instead he lays back against the sand and Aaron looks at him seriously. "It's okay you know, what happened." Aaron tells him and Robert looks away.

"It was instinct, to lie." Robert says honestly. "But I only had the one. I promise."

"It was a setback. That's all."

Robert flickers his eyes gently and feels ashamed. He fucked up, he couldn't help but buy a packet of cans. He thought Aaron would be out for longer but he wasn't and -

"I'm sick of setbacks." He says, hides his face and Aaron is still looking at him like he wants to say something. "What?" He's asking.

"When did it start?" Aaron says slowly, and Robert feels the waves crashing against the shore, calm, kind. "When did you start drinking?"

And they've gone through this before, he's sure of it.

But he tells him again anyway because he's sure Aaron wants to know if he was drunk or confused last time.

Robert turns his body towards Aaron, he's wearing one of Aaron's dark purple jumpers and he shifts his weight before looking down.

"I used to hate it, didn't like the taste at all. But then I just remembered it fitting in, it being what everyone else did." He gulps hard. "And it was fine." He twists his hands together and Aaron's listening patiently. "But then my dad, he was chucking me out and it was my fault and it was everything."

The wind picks up and he remembers, remembers it all.

"What happened?"

Robert shook his head. "Sibling rivalry to the extreme." He says. "It got out of hand and - my dad took his side. Left me high and dry." Robert gulps, tries to catch his breath a little. "And then alcohol, It felt absolutely everywhere and it was mine to take, to have. Because he couldn't take that from me could he?" Robert's eyes water and he blows out a breath. "Nobody could." He gulps.

And Aaron nuzzles his head against Robert's and holds his hand.

"I don't need it though." Robert relaxes his shoulders, and the 'not when I have you' hangs in the air.

He doesn't say it though, he tells himself that he never will.

 

::

 

"It's good to see you back here." Laurel says kindly, and he welcomes it.

"I'm really trying." He tells her, once everyone has disappeared and his stacking the chairs away. "To stop."

She nods, smiles a little. "Aaron's proud." She says, laughs as Robert looks confused. "Trust me." And the way she says it makes Robert's heart fizzle. "Are you and him?" She says, like she doesn't need to say anything else and he scoffs it off.

"No, he's just a good mate. The best mate." He blurts out before pulling a chair towards the wall. "Even if I wanted to ..." he trails off and Laurel crosses her arms over.

She looks like a disappointed mother.

"Just because you're an addict doesn't mean you don't have the right to -"

"Someone like Aaron?" Robert says bluntly. "I don't." He shrugs out. "I never will." He says, "But he seems to want to keep me around. He reckons I make him -"

"Better? You do. I've known that lad for years and years and trust me, he's been through more than his fair share. But he smiles now, and it manages to meet his eyes."

And the way she speaks, it's almost like poetry.

 

::

 

He's sober.

It's been long enough, and he's fucking sober.

Aaron's commenting on how much better he looks as they eat dinner on the sofa and talk.

"Yeah?" Robert mumbles. "Good." He breathes out, "That's good." He says.

And then Aaron swallows hard. "Your phone rang when you were in the shower. A Victoria?" And Robert freezes. "Is this the part where you tell me you have a girlfriend I'm keeping you from?"

It's meant to be a joke, only it isn't and Aaron looks petrified.

"Sister." Robert blurts out. "She's getting married, wants me there."

"Oh." Aaron plays with the cushion next to him and bites his lip. "That would be nice."

"Explaining why I can't toast to their good fortune won't be." He says plainly, itches his shoulder and Aaron frowns. "Besides, I don't want to think about that, it only makes me sad."

It only makes me want to drink, that's what it's code for basically.

Aaron understands that now, and then his phone is ringing and Robert can't help but look down and see who's calling.

A name flashes up.

Jamie.

And Robert has no idea who that is, frowns and then Aaron's grabbing it and diverting the call.

"Who was -"

"Some prat who needed his car servicing." Aaron says quickly, face bright red. "Only he won't stop texting." He says.

Robert feels something tug at his chest. "Isn't that a good thing?" He says, tries to smile and Aaron looks confused. "You deserve to have a distraction from the sentencing don't you?"

Aaron stares at him in shock and maybe the reality of the whole Just Friends slaps him across the face.

Only they're not just friends, they've kissed each other and they sleep in the same bed at night and cuddle like an old married couple.

And Robert tells Aaron how many times he wants a drink a day, he tells him how much it hurts, how bad it is without it all.

And Aaron, he says things that Robert knows no one else knows.

Feelings and thoughts and all sorts.

"Aaron, you're a young, fit bloke who deserves to act like one for a night." Robert says, "Call him back." And he's thinking of Aaron bouncing around a club, music blasting and laughing his arse off.

It makes him smile.

"What about -"

"I fancied an early night anyway." Robert shrugs out, didn't at all but -

Aaron will behave like a normal bloke for a night and that's all that matters.

 

::

 

Aaron leaves and he feels empty.

There's this nagging, niggling sensation in the pit of his stomach and he can't suppress it.

He's shaking, he's wanting, and he _gets_ before he can think twice.

Because it's so easy to steal some cash from the flat, flash a smile and stop the urge.

 

::

 

He doesn't tell Aaron for days, but cracks show, and old habits, they die hard don't they?

"You're drinking again." Aaron says, "Is that why you wanted me to go out with Jamie again?"

Because they'd been out twice now.

Robert gnaws at his palm in an attempt to distract himself from Aaron's words, but he's being turned around and Aaron asks him to be honest.

"I wanted you away from me." Robert whispers. "You deserved to be away from this mess." He says.

Aaron's eyes flicker. "How many times do I have to tell you that I -"

"I don't want to know." He says shakily, and he doesn't sleep in the bed.

He sleeps on the sofa until Aaron's screaming out in bed and Robert's wiping his brow and rocking him back and forth.

"Scared. Too close." Aaron keeps mumbling. "Hurt you, hurt me." He says and Robert rocks him slower before Aaron looks at him, clearer now.

He looks so helpless, like Robert gives him this _strength_ and he can't handle it.

He jumps back quickly, and he's pulling on a jumper and looking towards the door. "I can't stay here anymore." He says and Aaron rubs at his eyes, rubs at the tears that are falling down his face and frowns.

"What do -"

"I should call Jamie." Robert says hastily. "He's good isn't he? He's - he's not a fucking alcoholic. He can make you better, you deserve better. You deserve -"

Aaron looks like he's being punched. "You can't just leave, Rob, don't leave me alone." He says and Robert staggers back.

"This isn't good Aaron, you, you feeling what you do for me, it's going to destroy ya." Robert snaps. "Don't you see?" He shivers and Aaron just shakes his head and tells him to calm down.

"I'm an alcoholic! I lie, I steal, I'm the most fucking selfish person in the whole world and you said it yourself."

He had done, when he was angry, rightly so.

"I didn't mean it then." Aaron's saying, tugging at his stripped jumper. "How can you be selfish -"

"Because I love you." Robert blurts out, feels the floor melt, feels his legs buckle and the air leave his lungs.

He doesn't say anything, just looks at Aaron's face, his eyes.

"And I should have walked away so long ago but I couldn't. Because I've fallen in love with you and there's nothing I can do about it." Robert sniffs, shakes his head. "So that's why I need to go." He says and Aaron's suddenly slamming him against the wall and frowning.

"You just said you loved me? And now you're -"

"I have to, I can't destroy you." Robert basically screams at him, tears red and raw and he didn't ever want to have to do this.

"Because I'm already a mess, is that why?" Aaron's shouting back, fists balling around Robert's soft red jumper.

Robert looks away. "I'll mess up, I'll lie straight to your face, I'll slip back. I'll -"

" _Stop_." Aaron pushes out quickly, tears falling. "Just -" he drops his head.

"You need someone strong, to hold your hand and love you and -"

"That's you then." Aaron says and Robert's eyes flutter. "It's always been you." He whispers. "You need someone strong too, we both do but - but we can make it through this together. I promise."

"I'll always be an alcoholic, that won't go away." And it's so crushingly real.

But Aaron just sniffs. "And my dad will always have done _that_ to me over and over again." He says, looks haunted. "We both have scars, but yours don't scare me I promise."

"Neither do yours." Robert shudders, and Aaron does this little nodding thing before he's kissing Robert gently and has his hands on his hips.

And it speeds up quicker than Robert expects, he's falling into bed and Aaron's touching him everywhere and he's stuttering out:

"Aaron, you don't have to -"

"I want to, I want _you_. I always have done."

And it happens, and it's better than all the dreams Robert's had.

 

::

 

Aaron's laying naked next to him and Robert watches him struggle to get his breath back.

"Do you think we'll be okay?" Robert says, hand on Aaron's bare chest.

Aaron nods slowly. "Yeah." He gulps. "Eventually. For now though, we just don't let go of this."

Of this moment, of this happiness, of this love.

"What are you thinking?" Aaron's asking him a few minutes later, combing Robert's hair.

Robert seems caught off guard. "I need a drink." He says sadly, and then he's crying into a pillow and Aaron kisses his back gently. "I ruin, I ruin everything." He shudders out, almost pants.

Aaron holds him through it, kisses his mouth once and then twice and Robert welcomes it after he's calmed down.

"Make me forget." Robert mumbles, a hand falling down Aaron's body and stopping at his waist line. " _Please_."

And Aaron does, he makes him moan and his toes curl and -

"I love you so fucking much." Aaron pants, _passionate_ , he means it and -

It's a sort of Heaven he didn't think he'd ever get to enter.

 

::

 

He thinks he's dreaming, he opens his eyes and Aaron's mouth is pressed lazily on his shoulder and he's breathing in and out as he sleeps.

His hair is curled in a soft way, and he looks like a fallen angel or something poetic like that.

Robert nuzzles his head across Aaron's jaw and soaks him in before feeling his eyes flicker open and then he's smiling at him faintly.

"Morning." Aaron croaks out, shivers because of the cold and snakes his body closer to Robert's.

"Did that actually happen last night?" Robert's asking, hands falling over Aaron's hair as he watches him count the freckles on his chest.

Aaron blushes, pink and soft. "Yeah." He whispers, and he kisses at Robert's cheek, places a hand there just to make Robert melt with the tenderness of it all just that little bit more.

Robert feels like the luckiest man on earth suddenly.

"Didn't have one bad dream either." Aaron tells him, and he knows that it's a big deal.

"Good." Robert tells him and Aaron's smile fades a little.

"It's okay." Aaron whispers, because he knows Robert so well that it aches now. He knows that he's craving and -

"I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes." And Robert caves in on himself, tries not to cry and then buries himself under the covers.

But Aaron joins him, holds his hand and tells him that they'll stay under here until it passes.

And Robert thinks Aaron will stay with him for a million years.

Or more.

And it's a terrifying thought, but then so is love when you're Robert Sugden.

 

::

 

Aaron drives them into the village, and before Robert can think about it too much, he's sitting  in the circle of chairs and listening to someone talk about how long they haven't drank for.

Nearly ten days apparently.

It makes him smile and he's strangely happy for the man with the glasses and the nerdy smile.

He just seems normal, like he doesn't belong here, in this circle.

But Robert knows there's never a poster boy for alcoholism. He only had to look at Laurel and realise that.

"That was a big step." Aaron says, after Robert's gone and talked about being a teenager and drinking too much for his own good once he was kicked out.

Robert drags his coat on, and looks shy. "I suppose." He mumbles, and then Aaron's kissing him gently and telling him he's proud.

When he pulls away though, Laurel is smiling at them and Robert first sees Marlon, Aaron's gangly cousin or whatever.

"Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt." Laurel flaps and Robert tells Aaron he'll wait in the car. Only he doesn't, he just waits outside and hears Marlon speaking to Aaron.

He asks if his mum knows.

"She might as well." Aaron shrugs and Marlon blows out a breath.

"Take it you love him." Marlon says plainly and Aaron's swallowing hard. Then he's nodding. "You wouldn't put yourself through it if you didn't. Trust me."

Aaron sits next to him, and Robert realises that Laurel's disappeared. "Will it get easier?" He asks, like he's just a little boy. "For him?" For - for us?"

Marlon doesn't say anything, then sighs. "It'll get worse before it gets better. And you'll want to run and leave, you'll want to tell him that you can't do anything for him, that you're weak and he's better off without you." Aaron sniffs a little. "But then he'll thank ya randomly." Marlon laughs a little. "And he'll say he loves you, and it'll make everything seem worth it."

And then Aaron's nodding his head and rubbing a hand over his eyes hard.

"Cheers." He croaks out.

"Oi, no need. You'll see the light at the end of the tunnel, I promise."

And Robert hopes and prays they do.

 

::

 

Robert feels Aaron hold at his hand as they walk towards Chas. She's collecting glasses outside the pub and her face drops a little as Aaron nervously smiles at her.

"And you think this is a good idea?" Chas asks. "Honestly?" Her eyes flicker and she shakes her head.

"I'm not after your blessing." Robert says, goes to turn away but Aaron pipes up.

"I'm in love with him mum." Aaron shrugs his shoulders and bites his lip. "And he helps me so much more than you know."

That makes her look differently at Robert and then she's clearing her throat awkwardly and scratching at her shoulder.

"Okay." She whispers, and Robert must look relived because then she's pulling him into this crushing hug and he feels light headed for it.

But for just a second he closes his eyes and feels just a little accepted.

 

::

 

"Aren't you afraid?" Robert whispers into the sheets, chest rising and falling as Aaron has his eyes closed.

He opens them slowly and frowns. "Of what?"

"This not being enough." Robert tells him, "You loving me, me loving you, not being _enough_."

The windows are open just a little and the wind entering the room makes Robert jolt, pull the sheets up higher.

Aaron's still just staring at him like he's mad. "For what?"

"Me to stop drinking." He says, and it's so obvious.

Aaron doesn't say a word, just presses his head into Robert's neck and kisses slowly. "You'll get through this." He says. "It's enough. It will be."

But surely, Aaron will turn around one day and wonder why he isn't enough to stop Robert drinking his life away.

Surely.

"You have to stop for yourself, not for me." Aaron whispers and Robert can't begin to tell him how little 'doing it for himself' means to someone who hates who they are.

 

::

 

Aaron has another nightmare, and they spend the whole night talking about hopes and dreams, just like they're teenagers.

And then it gets all deep.

"It hurts so much." Robert whispers into Aaron's shoulder. "Just need _something_." He complains and Aaron shuffles closer to him.

"No can do, I'm afraid." He says, voice tight. "I can get you some water."

"Don't need that. Just need some -"

"Robert..."

" _Please_." He snaps and then Aaron's looking at him all wide eyed and Robert is apologising and pressing his head into Aaron's chest.

"Okay, it's okay. Just breathe with me, in and out. Just breathe." And Robert nearly drowns in the weight of Aaron's protection.

 

::

 

He does calm down, he manages to sleep for a second or two and then when he opens his eyes again, Aaron's looking at him.

"Sleep." Robert mumbles, feels this dull ache like usual but doesn't want to pay attention to it. He wants to pay attention to the fact that Aaron's almost wide awake when he shouldn't be.

Aaron rubs his face against the pillow and sighs softly. "I will do." He whispers and then Robert's reaching over and locking their hands together.

"Like sleeping next to you." Robert says drowsily, "Haven't slept with someone like this for years." And it makes something niggle inside him all of a sudden. "How many people ..."

And he stops himself because Aaron looks at him strangely.

"How many guys have I fucked in this bed?" Aaron's asking, a soft bite in his voice.

Robert blushes. "No, I - how many have -"

"Stayed?" Aaron helps him out. Robert nods his head. "None of them, not like this."

Not like this.

Robert frowns, rubs a thumb over Aaron's palm. "Why not?"

And Aaron pulls a face. "I wasn't in love with them, and they weren't that great in bed anyway."

Robert's eyes flicker. "And I _definitely_ fit the second one." He says and Aaron kisses him gently. "Such a shame I'm a -"

"Stop it." Aaron says, silences Robert with another kiss and then mumbles something about him being enough and Robert dreams that he is.

 

::

 

It's the little things that get you in the end.

And they get Robert, of course they do.

Because all he has to see is some bloke downing a pint on the TV, followed by an episode of Come Dine With Me with a wine tasting segment and -

It's like he has no say.

None at all.

He pulls his coat on and tries to sneak out before Aaron comes back from work, only he meets him at the door.

"Need some fresh air." Robert tells him and Aaron's eyes flicker.

"I'll come with you then -"

"No." Robert snaps, "I'm fine by myself, I'm - I just need -"

"A drink." Aaron shudders and it makes Robert flinch a little. He knows, because he's not a fool.

"Move Aaron." He says, "I mean it." He moves forward and tries to pass Aaron but the younger man shakes his head and blocks the door.

"Please don't do this." Aaron's pleading and it's ugly and wrong and Robert feels this heaviness in his stomach scream out for him to fix it all. He needs something - he needs just something to -

"I have to." He's shouting back, hands falling over his hair. "I'm fucking weak and -"

"If you walk out now then -"

"You'll disown me? You'll chuck me out _just_ like my dad did!" And it's horrible, and he knows that if he had a drink he wouldn't be acting out like this but this is the person he is. Mean, unfeeling.

Aaron has tears in his eyes and he bites his lip. "Please don't -" he tries and then Robert's pushing passed him and they're struggling until Aaron's flat on the sofa holding his head and Robert stares at the damage his haste has caused.

Aaron's shuddering, can't even look at Robert and -

"I wish you didn't love me." Escapes Robert's mouth before he's turning and running out the door.

It takes about three seconds for him to feel the guilt pour in. It's raining hard and he's struggling to breathe against it but he doesn't want a drink, he doesn't want one, he _needs_ one and -

He wishes Aaron didn't love him.

Because, he loved Aaron, of course he did, but he could handle that. That was his problem, but Aaron -

He looks back to the flats, slams a hand against his head and starts to cry. And then he's turning back towards the flat, he's choosing him over a quick fix and -

He misses the car, of course he does.

 

::

 

"- boyfriend yeah, he - he was in a state, he was manic and - I shouldn't have let him go out."

It's Aaron's voice he hears and he doesn't deserve to.

He recognises the lights instantly and knows he's in hospital again.

Only this time, Aaron isn't over him stating down. This time, he's holding his hand.

He flickers his eyes open and Aaron blows out a shaky breath, "Hey." He whispers. "Hey you." He gulps.

And Robert is overwhelmed suddenly. "I'm so sorry." He panics, because Aaron's got a bruise on his head and Robert caused it by pushing him. "I'm -" Aaron strokes a hand over Robert's arm and makes a shushing sound.

"Don't panic." Aaron whispers, "Don't try and sit up either." He says. "You've had an accident." Aaron gulps, twists his lip a little.

He remembers a car coming out of nowhere, the _sound_.

"I was turning back." Robert groans, his eyes flicker and he tries to squeeze at Aaron's hand. "I was, I promise. I couldn't do it."

Aaron looks at Robert blankly before he's got tears rolling down his face and he's kissing at Robert's forehead.

"I found you laying there, the woman driving said you came out of nowhere." Aaron gulps, "You weren't moving." He tells him. "I came out to find you and -"

"It was raining." Robert frowns and then he frowns. "You came out?" His voice cracks and Aaron nods his head.

"I always will you idiot."

Robert looks in pain suddenly. "And that's always going to be the problem." He says, heavy, and Aaron frowns before a doctor is coming in.

"Ah, glad to see you awake Mr Sugden." He's friendly enough but Robert wants it to be over with. He wants to know the damage because everything kills and it's just making him want to drink even more. "The good news is most of your injuries are minor, cuts and bruises."

Aaron holds his hand, practically grips it and Robert gulps hard.

"What about the bad news?"

It's heavy in the air and -

The doctor sighs. "I've had a look through your file. The impact of the crash could have been much worse, it could have effected black outs you've been having or manic episodes. Like today." And Aaron looks guilty, Robert knows he's explained.

"What does -"

"Your body is screaming out for you to stop Mr Sugden."

"It's screaming out for me to _drink_." He screams back and Aaron's got him close, tells him to calm down.

"It's impossible for you to go on like this." The doctor says, "The damage you are doing is certainly life threatening now."

And maybe so, but -

He doesn't say anything and then the doctor is going and Aaron has his head in his hands and tries not to cry.

Fails.

"You're fucking killing yourself, don't you get that?" Aaron snaps, and Robert flinches. "You're going to _die_ and then what happens to me?"

"You get to live." Robert mumbles and Aaron calls him a bastard and leaves and Robert cries like an idiot.

It's hours later when Aaron creeps back in, and Robert's had time to hate himself and regret and -

"I don't want to die." Robert whispers in the sheets. The monitors are beeping and he hears Aaron shudder. "Or be alone, it scares me."

"You're not alone." Aaron tells him, comes forward and sits on the bed. "Oi." Robert looks up at him and he has tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry for shouting."

Robert frowns. "Don't be." He mumbles.

Aaron gulps. "It was wrong." He says, "i was just angry, frustrated. I didn't know it was this bad." He shakes his head and Robert holds his hand tightly.

They don't say anything for a while and then Aaron's frowning.

"Earlier, you said something about me not wanting to leave always being the problem." Aaron whispers, and Robert looks away. "What does that even mean?"

Robert holds his breath and then looks at Aaron. "I know you hate talking about it, but the sentencing is only a week away." Aaron chews his lip. "And you're here, crying over me."

"So I should be crying over that waste of space?" Aaron snaps, and then he's stroking at Robert's face. "He's not worth my energy, but _you_ ," He looks so in love suddenly and Robert is overwhelmed. "You are. And you've made me stop thinking about the past, start planning a -"

"Future with an addict." Robert says sadly and then he's stroking a hand over Aaron's bruise and frowning.

Suddenly this wave of something crashes through him and he sees his mother telling him to stop, to hold onto Aaron and look towards the future and -

"I'm going to stop now." Robert blurts out. "I promise. I'm not drinking again, I promise." He panics. "I want years and years of you." He says, stroking Aaron's face.

Aaron's crying, of course he's crying, and then he kisses Robert slowly on the lips. "I'm going to be here, every step of the way."

"And I'm going to be there for you too." Robert says, and Aaron tells him he doesn't need to come to the sentencing or anything like that. "Of course I do." He says and then he's shuddering. "Don't you see? You make me want to live Aaron, you make me want to try."

And Robert's crushed by a hug from Aaron but welcomes every last inch of Aaron's embrace.

He saved him after all.

 

::

 

"Can I speak to someone." Robert says, off of his own back.

Aaron's in the canteen with his mum who's being nice to him suddenly.

The nurse frowns, and then he's telling her.

"I'm an alcoholic." He blurts out. "Please, just get me someone."

And she does,

And his name is Matthew.

He listens and offers to give him sessions, weekly.

"Yeah." Robert whispers, "I'd like that." He blows out a breath, watches Aaron mouth 'I love you' from the window and he feels it radiate through.

 

::

 

Robert's got a suit on, feels all smart and presentable and like an actual adult.

He blows out a breath and then sees a text from Aaron telling him what room the sentencing is behind held in.

He's gone ahead, he's with his mum and Robert's climbing the stairs towards the main court hall.

It takes seconds for him to find the room, slide into the bench and hold Aaron's hand.

"Alright?" He whispers, and Aaron looks at him with soft blue eyes and presses his face against Robert's cheek.

"Freaking out a little." He says and it's clear that he hasn't cracked like this, not with his mum so close.

His hands are clammy to hold but Robert doesn't mind.

He holds his hand and watches the monster walk in and he watches Aaron recoil, holds him towards his chest a little.

He cries, he cries when Aaron cries and he gets eighteen whole years.

"It's over." He says. "It's over and he's _gone_ and -"

"I love you." Aaron blurts. "God I love you. He hasn't taken that, he can't _touch_ us."

And then it's over, and he sees a spark in Aaron he thought he'd never ever bare witness to.

 

::

 

"He got eighteen years." Robert tells Matthew, holds a pillow towards his stomach and smiles it out.

"How's Aaron doing?"

And that's a good question, he's distant one minute and loving the next. "I think, he thinks he has to move on really quickly now. But he doesn't." He blinks slowly. "I understand."

Matthew nods slowly, "And you?"

"I wanted to be sick when I saw him." Robert's eyes glaze over and he sees Gordon standing the docks, he sees the surprise on his face as he looks at his son squeezing the life out of some man's hand.

"And then I wanted a drink. So much." Robert blows out a breath, "It's why I only stayed in the pub for an hour. I couldn't handle it."

"Did you -"

"No." Robert gulps, looks up. "I didn't." He breaks out into a small smile and Matthew looks proud, almost as proud as Aaron did that night too.

( _"I know today was hard." He whispers. "But you didn't run." Aaron says, "You stayed for me."_

_Robert strokes Aaron's face. "I'll always stay for you." He says and then he's kissing him softly. "It's over now, it's all in the past I promise."_

_Aaron nods, and then he smiles. "Yeah." He says nervously._ )

"This is a massive step Robert." Matthew says, all brown eyes and floppy hair and a happiness about him.

Robert blows out a breath, a massive step sounds good.

 

::

 

They go to Vic's wedding.

That's another massive step.

"Why are _you_ nervous?" Robert asks Aaron, catches him flatten down his tie in the mirror and doing it all wrong.

Robert takes over, and they both stare at his hands for a few seconds. The incessant shaking has stopped.

The black outs he didn't even know were happening, don't seem to be as much anymore.

"Because I'm meeting your whole family." Aaron says, nerves in his words.

"They'll love you." Robert knows they will, it's him they'll have the problem with because yeah he disappeared off the face of the earth for nearly ten years.

"They love you." Aaron reminds him. "No matter what -"

"Bisexual and an alcoholic. If my dad could see me now." He shakes his head and laughs bitterly.

And then Aaron pulls him closer. "I see you." He says and Robert's eyes flicker. "And I _love_ you." He tells him.

"Love you too." He says.

 

::

 

The groom practically turns into Aaron's new best mate and it warms something inside of Robert.

The bloke, Adam, he's nice enough, protective over Vic almost fiercely.

Vic.

So much taller and wiser but yet still as beautiful as she was when he last saw her.

"I didn't think you'd make it." Vic has her eyes on him and only him. "I was scared you -"

And he'll tell her everything, just not now.

"Of course I'd make it." He says and then he looks across the room because Aaron lets out this laugh.

"Your mate's funny." She laughs and then he clears his throat.

"Boyfriend actually." He says and Vic's eyes widen. Then Andy's there and he expects a joke or something but he gets this hug and a 'it's been too long' and he thinks that's him waving a white flag.

He takes it.

"He's gorgeous." Vic smiles and then Andy raises an eyebrow.

"So you're -"

"Bisexual." Robert shrugs out and Andy just nods.

"You're _lucky_ I was gonna say." Like him liking men wasn't a massive deal for his brother.

Robert smiles, laughs even and Aaron winks at him from across the room.

 

::

 

"Aaron Dingle, nice to - uh meet ya." He's saying all awkwardly and then he's shaking Andy's hand and easing into it.

He's Diane's favourite too (she hugged the life out of Robert and cried on his shoulder for about five minutes) and she keeps telling him how good looking he is.

But then they have to toast to the bride and groom and he can't. And Vic is frowning.

"Oh come on -"

"He's on some diet aren't you." Aaron jumps in and Robert feels him all around him, keeping him safe.

Vic lets out a laugh and then frowns. "You're not being serious are you?" She laughs and Robert holds his breath. "Just one won't harm."

Robert feels hear prickle through him and then he's watching the long glass of champagne be passed across to him. And he steps back, wants to call out for Aaron and then he's saying he can't, he doesn't want one and -

"I'm an alcoholic, that's why!"

He doesn't mean to ruin her big day, only he does because everyone starts whispering about it and he can't help but hide away on the outskirts of the marquee.

The sound of feet clicking towards him make Robert look up on instinct. Aaron's standing there with his hands pushed into his suit pockets.

"I've been looking for you." He says, "Everywhere."

Robert bites his lip. "Didn't want to be found." He shrugs.

"Because you've ruined your sister's big day?" Robert looks up. "Because you haven't."

"Bet she's crying." Robert says, feels a kick to his gut and then Aaron's slowly standing next to him and pressing their shoulders together. "Why do I always ruin things?"

"You don't." And Vic's there, beautiful white dress and her hair done up with a crystal hair clip styling it. "You haven't ruined anything." She comes closer and he sees that she's been crying. He sees Andy and Diane standing behind her too and he feels like he can't breathe.

"We had no idea." Andy sounds moved, shocked.

Robert nods his head. "Didn't want you to." He gulps. "And it would have stayed that way if it wasn't for him." He looks towards Aaron. "He saved me."

"You did that yourself." Aaron butts in and Diane rubs at her eyes.

"You're here now, and you're beating it. And - oh love, we're here for you." She's saying and then she's hugging him and Vic has her head on his shoulder and Andy nods his head slowly.

It's all so much more than he ever expected. And then Aaron wipes at his face, at his tears, and everything is just that little bit more complete.

 

::

 

He has a dream about his mother.

She says she's proud of him.

She hugs him and he cries as she lets him go, but when he opens his eyes, Aaron's got an arm draped over him and -

He likes to think his mum had something to do with Aaron and him finding each other.

He likes to think it was her doing.

 

::

 

"Are you sure about me?" Aaron whispers, head against the pillow and a hand on Robert's waist.

Robert frowns, twitches a little. "Why are you even asking that?" He's panicking, because Aaron's insecure, sometimes he can't help but he insecure.

Aaron shrugs. "It's been nearly been a whole month." He says, and he's referring to Robert's sobriety. "And you're so much better." He whispers, "And you don't -"

"Need you?" Robert has tears in his eyes almost instantly as he sees Aaron crying against the pillow gently. "I always will. You have to know that. Without you, I wouldn't have made it this far." He knows that, unquestionably so.

Aaron sniffs. "I'm being daft." He says, he's tired, Robert can tell. "My counsellor just made me think of stuff, people usually leave and -"

"I'm not leaving." He says heavily. "I promise you that." Robert adds.

And Aaron nods his head slowly and breathes out slowly. "You'll never know how much I need you." He says, wraps his whole body around Robert and Robert welcomes the softness. Aaron's a hard, tough bloke in the day but radiates softness when they're like this. "I love ya."

"I love you too." Robert says.

"My Robert, made it a whole month." Aaron's eyes glimmer and shine and twinkle and Robert feels his heart flip a little.

"All yours." He whispers, kissing Aaron gently and then they're kissing until they're doing much more with their bodies.

 

::

 

One year.

A whole year.

And it's painstakingly hard.

He has over twenty fights with Aaron, hears the anger and disappointment in his voice over and over again and -

He hangs on.

( _"Don't let go of me." Robert shudders, gripping Aaron hard as they lay against each other. "Please don't go."_

 _"Never." Aaron kisses his head. "I promise."_ )

He clings sometimes, feels like he's hanging over the edge of a cliff and he's thankful that Aaron is able to hold him up for long enough.

He's got a job now, a proper one. He wears a suit and expensive cologne and he shops at Waitrose and it's been a whole year.

He's in love with Aaron Dingle, spends some weekends up at Vic's and presses a hand against her pregnant stomach, thinks of kids of his own and thinks of Aaron almost instinctively. And it's been a whole year.

"Hey." Robert says, clicks the door of the flat shut and then turns.

Aaron's standing there in a soft maroon jumper and a smile on his face. He's cleared the table and there's a dish in the middle of it with two plates on the side.

"Hey you." He says back.

"What's all this?" Robert's eyes flicker and Aaron walks towards him. He takes Robert by the hands and he's already got tears in his eyes.

"It's been a year." Aaron whispers, holds at Robert's face. "You've been sober for a whole fucking year."

And he has, he's been able to do that.

"I'm so proud." Aaron whispers.

"I can't believe it." Robert says honestly, but Matthew helps and so does his family and so does Aaron.

"I can." Aaron blurts out and then he's tugging Robert towards the table and Aaron's cooking isn't as bad as he thought it would be.

(He's usually terrible.)

Aaron's eyes are warm one second and then wide the next.

He's staring at this pin on Robert's shit and has his mouth open.

It's just a small bird, a blue one with green wings.

"My mum gave me it when I was eight." He laughs. "It's for good luck." And Aaron's got tears down his face. "Aaron, you're -"

"It's the same one I saw you wear when I first met you."

Robert frowns. "I wasn't wearing it, I was wearing a hospital -"

Aaron shakes his head and sighs. "The first time _I_ met _you_." He says, pulls a face. "I don't know why I never just told ya. It was always just - just something secret I suppose."

Robert pulls a face and Aaron bites his lip.

"You were on the train, you were wearing this suit and on your phone. You had that pin on and this long grey coat and - I just fell for you instantly. It was mad." Aaron laughs softly. "You were the most beautiful man I'd ever seen."

Robert remembers the long grey coat, he remembers -

"I was going for an interview. Last try and it didn't work out." Robert looks up. "Is that why you -"

"I wanted to see you again, took the same train the next day and the next day and - I was so stupid but -" he bites his lip. "And then I saw ya being wheeled in and - I couldn't _not_ help ya." He holds Robert's hand. "Because all I wanted was for you to be that healthy beautiful man again, the one I -"

"Cared about." Robert says heavily, tears in his eyes.

Aaron nods, "Just wanted that man back, because he seemed worth saving."

And it makes something blossom inside of Robert's chest.

He kisses him hard and fast and rips his clothes off almost instantly after wolfing down a curry.

He's panting over Aaron as he smiles, pulls a hand through his hair and kisses at Aaron's face.

"Never thought I'd ever be this happy."

Robert twists Aaron's hand around his, their naked bodies press against each other and it feels brand new.

Aaron's eyes flicker. "Me either." He says, voice deep and satisfied. "Never thought - _he'd_ let me. But then you, _you_ made it stop." His chin wobbles a little and it all makes Robert kiss him harder.

"I'm so selfish for wanting everything with you," Robert tells Aaron, feels Aaron comb through his hair.

"Like what?"

"Don't make me say it." Robert says shyly and Aaron pins him down and kisses him.

"A family? A whole life together?" Aaron whispers, like he can't dare to say it either.

And Robert nods. "I'll put us through hell and back, because this won't ever be over. I'll always be an addict."

Aaron nods. "And I'll always be _his_ son." He whispers, "But fuck what that's supposed to mean."

And Robert tingles all over.

"I love you." Robert tells him, honestly. "Don't forget that, not ever, not even when I tell you I don't." He's so scared suddenly of it all going wrong, of him ruining them but Aaron kisses his hand as tells him he won't ever leave.

And Robert will always be this way, he'll always want something to make him 'fixed.' He'll always have this fucking demon in him which wants to ruin every bit of happiness he has.

But he feels Aaron kiss at his shoulder and pull the covers over them and it's been a year and yeah,

Maybe he's stronger than he ever thought he could be.

(Aaron would definitely say so he thinks, and so would his mum.)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading, if you have the time to leave a comment and let me know if you liked it or not, it would be much appreciated. also! know that there is a final instalment of this fic to come, set many years later and involving liv.


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